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November 12, 2011
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I cut candles straight down their waxy center
just by looking into the flame. Slick peels of
honeycomb melt into my palm and blister skin.
Then the world ricochets forward.

I plummet back into my body and there's
a thick distortion in audio. A constant pulse at
the back of my eyes, tuned to the rhythm of your
heartbeat. I look for traces of you, but,
God, you're lost.

Leaves fall as paper lanterns from wooden fingers.
Spiraling upwards on the breath of cosmos, back
to Heaven, lit like the sun on a marvelous azure
backdrop. I needed your wisdom, but all is gone.
Christ, you're dead.

Atheists are not meant to love. Realists are not
meant for passion. Idealists are the dreamers
of their own demise; only they can make it
happen.

A man once told me that the astute make terrible
lovers, but I'll fight that to the bitter end. Maybe
the irrational are so hopeful in their wafts of
hallucination they cannot come to mindful conclusions
of their forsaken love.

There's a poet under my skin, itching to get out
again. But he's wrapped so tightly in misery and
grief, he can't pull his fingers close enough to the
flesh tomb that surrounds him.

But a poet is no poet, if only one emotion is felt.
Likewise, no poet if only emotion felt. No poet, if
stone words fall on glass houses and lifeless birds fly.

Here I am, No Poet, dwelling on lucidity and broken
execution, failed thoughts and sorrow. Yes, I am
No Poet, and God, we're done.
It's been a while... I apologize.

1. Any grammatical errors?
2. The piece has a very abrupt transition. Does it work together, or should this piece be separated into two separate pieces?
3. I'm not sure where else to go from this, how to diverge into something more, or if I even should. Any suggestions?
4. Any comments in general?

A critique would be GREATLY appreciated. I feel like I've forgotten how to write, and it's very depressing to myself.

Please, please, please, help me improve and get back on track. :heart:


For #theWrittenRevolution
[link]


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
EDIT

I just logged on randomly to find I recieved a Daily Deviation!
Words simply cannot express the amount of gratitude I have for ^NicSwaner for featuring me.

My heart has been greatly lifted since this poem was first written...

For all the Atheists, as I am, I mean no offense.
Have you ever thought to yourself, "Maybe I'm just not meant for love?"


Seriously gracious to all of those who have helped me. I love you all, and thank you for your comments!!! :heart:
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Daily Deviation

Given 2013-02-09
Lament of an Atheist by ~alexiscaitlinking could be told no other way. ( Featured by Nichrysalis )
:iconjackiestarsister:
JackieStarSister Featured By Owner May 20, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Wow. This is one of the best poems I've read (at least on DeviantArt) in a long time! Thanks for sharing this.
Reply
:iconprideofpanem:
PrideofPanem Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2013  Student General Artist
Fantastic job! And congratulations on the DD!
Reply
:iconrabbittheory:
rabbittheory Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
This is a brilliant poem!!

I am a Christian, but I can relate to certain elements in this poem that we all face in our lives. Both theists and atheists experience, to some extent, a same inner struggle I am sure, and it's our circumstances and experiences in life that help shape what decisions we make during this struggle.

I personally believe because I cannot see how beauty, love and the aesthetic could be a by-product of "survival of the fittest" (I mean if you think about it, our species would be so much stronger without artsy fartsy people, yet we are here lol). :p

I sincerely hope no one sees this as an attack on their belief system, I do not wish to offend anyone! :D

Brilliant writing and very vivid use of words, it reads like a picture :)
Congratulations!
Reply
:iconalexiscaitlinking:
alexiscaitlinking Featured By Owner Feb 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'd have to disagree with your thought that our species would be stronger without the artsy-fartsy type.
If you think about it, our medical field would not have come as far without the heavy influence of DaVinci, the first man to dissect and create an "atlas" of the inner workings of the human mechanisms. He created the first helicopters, tanks and many more machinery that also has driven out technological field. Most of his inventions, although never built in his time, were recreated recently and actually DO work.
As well as men like Darwin, who created road maps for zoology, horticulture and a wide variety of other disciplines, all through view and replication on paper.

Without the affluent creativity of these people, our civilization would NOT have come as far as we have come. We would have brute strength, but we would lack the power of mind. We absolutely would not have made it this far.

On another note, I really appreciate your comment. It means a great deal to me, that you were able to take something from this. :)
Reply
:iconamidarosa:
amidarosa Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013
Wow, I'm inspired to make a painting out of this, would you mind?
Reply
:iconalexiscaitlinking:
alexiscaitlinking Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I would be honored. Please just send me a link, I'd love to see it when finished. :) :heart:
Reply
:iconzippythewildone:
zippythewildone Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I've written a lot of responses to other people's comment but haven't written a response to just the poem itself yet. That was because I wasn't sure if I understood the poem at first but now that I've had confirmation from you that I more or less get it I think I'll share more of my thoughts.

1. I always think of poetry as being a giant middle finger to grammar. The purpose of grammar is to force us into speaking as clearly as possible so that we can be understood. But poetry is about expressing a greater truth, an emotional truth and if that can be expressed clearly without proper grammar then grammar can go suck it. In short, no glaringly bad grammar issues. However I think there is one stanza that could benefit from some quotation marks. This stanza:

Atheists are not meant to love. Realists are not
meant for passion. Idealists are the dreamers
of their own demise; only they can make it
happen.

See, without quotation marks it seems like these thoughts are thoughts that the subject is having. That these are things that the subject thinks. But, if it was in quotations it might make it clearer that these are simply things that the subject has been told in the past by other people and these are not convictions that the subject holds themselves, they are simply reflecting on these words as they echo in their head.

2. I found the style or voice of each stanza to be noticeably different from one another but I think it's acceptable for two reasons: #1 They are broken up into stanzas after all and stanzas are a good way to indicate a shift of some sort. #2 They all have to do with the same subject matter.

3. I like the use of No Poet. It makes me think of the phrase "no God" and I feel that is very suitable for the subject matter. But as powerful as it was it was really only utilized in two stanzas and I found that... disappointing? Also I felt like No Poet was kind of like a straw man atheist. No Poet was the atheist as represented by people who don't understand atheism.

"There's a poet under my skin, itching to get out
again. But he's wrapped so tightly in misery and
grief, he can't pull his fingers close enough to the
flesh tomb that surrounds him."

The poet is the optimistic believer in God and No Poet is the sad atheist. But I think you could have made it clearer that No Poet actually is a poet, s/he is simply told that s/he is not a poet by others.

Of course I could be completely wrong, and then the goal would be clearer that this ^^^ isn't what you meant. I enjoyed the poem but I think it could be more clear with careful organization and development of certain concepts. It's one of those cases of, "It could be better, but really anything in the world can be improved upon so you shouldn't take that as an insult."

4. The goal of mediocre art, whatever the art form may be, is to entertain. But the goal of great art, or great poetry is to make someone think and feel. And I think the Daily Deviation and all the comments made it clear that this is a great poem!
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:icona-glass-brightly:
A-Glass-Brightly Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Student Photographer
I've been feeling that I need to write something like this for a long time. Thanks for the inspiration!
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:iconalexiscaitlinking:
alexiscaitlinking Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome, happy to help!
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:icona-glass-brightly:
A-Glass-Brightly Featured By Owner Feb 10, 2013  Student Photographer
:)
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